I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
