i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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