In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
