Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
