So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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