i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
