Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
my liver is dry heaving
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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