By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
