did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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