Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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