everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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