so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
