I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
