Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
