Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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