he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
