Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
