He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
