Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
