I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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