Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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