We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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