wanna go halves on a baby?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
