I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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