capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize