I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
