Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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