well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
