So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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