Will you blow on my dice?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
