You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
