theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
