Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize