I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
