I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
