just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
