there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Randomize
