I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
