I wish I could punch you in the face.
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
How naked do you want me to be?
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