My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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