My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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