No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
