my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
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