Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
