I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
