Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
