tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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