I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
