hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
