watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
