dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
