Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
