The maid of honor just puked.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
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i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
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Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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