I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
