Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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