It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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