I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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