some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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