you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
